Tuesday, April 21, 2009

finding my religion?

Lately i've been feeling like something is missing in my life. I don't know why or how to describe this feeling. I just feel like there is a void. 

I grew up in church until i was about 14 then for whatever reason my family stopped attending. I was happy with that. I felt a lot of pressure to be a "good girl" while we were going. I being the hot headed child I was pushed back against that pressure. 

Through out high school I attending christian concerts here and there and still kept in touch with my christian friends. I felt fine. After high school I started working and met a boy (the boy) and still I felt fine. 

It wasn't until recently, I went to a christian concert with my friend that I felt like I was missing something. While I was at the concert i felt such joy, such a connection. Now, my boyfriend will say that this connection was all in my head, he being someone that doesn't believe in God, but I felt it. I went to another concert a few weeks ago and at this concert I didn't feel as connected. I don't know what the difference was. 

Since the first concert I've wanted to find a church..a place where i can feel that joy again. The thing is that i'm scared. I'm scared to go alone, i'm scared to go where i won't fit in. I grew up with such strong beliefs and they have changed over the years. I'm scared i won't find a church that is neither too liberal or too conservative. I don't exactly live a christian lifestyle and wonder if that is scaring me too. Will I need to change the way I live in order to feel like i'm doing what God wants? If I do am I ready to do that? What if I'm not?

I miss being able to lay my cares down and knowing without a shadow of a doubt that God will take care of them. I feel like I've lost that over the years..is it possible to get that faith back?


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