Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Worry

As the days of my maternity leave dwindled I am faced with the reality that I will not be with Breckin 24-7. I will not be the one to comfort him when he's scared during the day. If he's sick I won't be the first one there. As he discovers new things I'll be at work.

I know this is going to sound completely irrational. But I worry that he won't know me. That he'll start to become uncomfortable with me. That on the weekends he'll wonder where Grandma is. Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful that are families are willing to step up and help. I think I would lose my mind if I had to leave him with someone who didn't love him. But there is a real worry in me about him not wanting me anymore. 

I don't know what to do about it.

Update: I started writing this while holding Breckin as he nursed late in the night. I had to stop because I was crying.

I am now back at work..day 2. Day 1 sucked. A lot. I cried when I left him and at work a few times. I felt guilty and sad. Even though I know he's in great hands. They aren't my hands.

Being a mom is tough. I can't imagine what it will feel like when he actually realizes that I'm leaving him. At this stage in his life he's not worried about it. Though he does seem happy I've returned, I think.

From what I hear dealing with these feelings is a day by day process and I'll never feel 100% great about it.

To be honest, right now I'd settle for 35%.

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